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Every night, like clockwork, the tears come.

The fall and form drops on the floor

That come together to form a small puddle

Then a bigger one that rises and rises

And floods my room.

I cant swim so I go under.

I cant breathe so I flounder.

Theres no lifejacket

Nobody able or willing to save me.

I don’t know how to save myself

So I guess I’ll just drown.

Remember me as a girl with big dreams

Who thought she’d live her life amongst the clouds

And the stars…

Until circumstance pulled her down and chained her there

Everyday she was a prisoner in her room.

Another day that happiness escaped her grasp

Along with independence and freedom.

All she had to look forward to was the night

That was when, like clockwork, her tears would come.

A Sign...

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if my loved ones really know how much they mean to me. Do they really understand? And are they being sincere when they say they love me back? When it comes to feelings they can leave me feeling confused. How do I express them? How often should I express them? How do I do it appropriately? Am I overdoing it when I show affection? Do I just creep people out after a while? Some days I just don't know... and wish I had a sign.

If only there was a rule book on how to love, with rules on how and when to show love. That would work for me cause I'm great at following the rules. But left to my own devices, I cant tell if Im doing too much. I never want to make anyone uncomfortable. I would hope that someone would tell me but I guess nobody wants to hurt my feelings. That's when I need a sign.

Its the uncertainty that worries me. The chance that behind my back the people I treasure actually dont like me at all. That they think Im a weirdo. Could I feel that way about myself subliminally and am projecting my self criticisms on others? In that case I need a sign regarding that too. I just need to know, why does it feel so awkward when I try to be social? I feel like I stand out too much for all the wrong reasons. Maybe its all in my head. Maybe Im overthinking. All I want is for my loved ones to know they are truly appreciated by me.

Perhaps the sign is the love they give back to me.

Unconditional

And I love you...

Through it all, when you want to be near or when you need to be far. 
In the brightest of days and the darkest of nights. 
Every flaw that makes you unique, and every gesture that makes you sweet.

I love all of you.

The good intentions and bad mistakes, no error you make could make me forsake you. 
No secret you hold or no truth untold, nothing in your past can make our bond not last.

My love is true.

I dont love for gain or gifts nor for status or titles. 
I love for good, for joy, for health and happiness. I love one for who they are.  
The quirks and giggles, mistakes and wisdom, the pretty and the ugly, every moment in your life where you are living and thriving.

This is who you are.  
And that is why I love you.

An Open Letter to Myself...

Hi there,

I've been watching you beat yourself up for way too long and it's time for me to say something about it. Here's the short version: stop it! You worry about people getting close to you to end up hurting you but the truth is, not even your worst enemy can hurt you worse than you hurt yourself. It's time for you to see yourself through a different perspective.

First, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Accept it. Believe it. You are more than your skin and your hair. Long hair is not the be all, end all of beauty. There are gorgeous women rocking short hairstyles all the time. The difference between them and you is that you don't realize you are a beautiful creation of God. He made no mistakes when He created you. Your skin is not hideous, so stop saying that too. If you were the only person in the world with Psoriasis, would there be a name for it? Would the doctors know what it is? No. Lets be logical. Millions of people have this skin disorder. But it doesn't have them. Another difference between them and you. 

Second, YOU ARE STRONG. Just because you don't display strength the way your mother does or the way she wants you to, doesnt mean you are weak. Someone else wouldn't have survived what you've been through, yet you are still here. What doesn't break you makes you stronger. Crying doesn't make you weak, it cleanses your soul and everyone cries once in a while.

Third, IT'S ABOUT QUALITY NOT QUANTITY. Stop chasing popularity. You think you're lonely sometimes now? Nothing will make you feel lonelier than you already do like being surrounded by a bunch of fakes and backstabbers. Seek out genuine people who will rock with you through the good and the bad. People who love you for who you are, not what they can get from you. Don't be afraid to walk away from people who only want to use you. Trust me, you'd rather be alone than to be constantly taken advantage of. Protect your heart, but don't build barriers around it nobody can get pass because all people aren't bad. 

And while we are on the subject of people, STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OF YOU. Come out of Junior High School. Stop worrying about people talking about you. You aren't 12 years old anymore, you are a 29 year old woman. Remarks don't pay your bills and everybody has flaws. Remember being bullied or teased has nothing to do with you but with the person who's doing the bullying or teasing.

Lastly, LOVE YOURSELF!!! Value yourself. Spoil yourself. Be your own best friend. Know your worth. Shower yourself with just as much love as you do with your loved ones. Why shouldn't you? You are a smart, beautiful woman with a loving heart and a kind soul. You're understanding; people can talk to you and you don't judge them. You are a good person and you should embrace that. Embrace YOU.

I hope you will take to heart what I said. You have begun to see that when you change your perspective from negative to positive thoughts, good things begin to happen. Stay the course and keep the faith. This is only the beginning. The best is yet to come.

I love you,

Me

In My Eyes

In my eyes, you're awesome. And you make me laugh when I feel like crying. You make me dream when my imagination quits on me. You keep me going when I feel like giving up. And your love makes me feel unique and special when I feel average and invisible. I love your company. But sometimes I forget. I forget you are human and have bad days too. I forget you need your space and freedom. I forget that other things and people require your attention too. I forget that there are other people who love you just as much as I do, maybe more. For that I am guilty but not malicious. Im guilty of enjoying you a little too much. But thats only because I dont want you to forget ...how much you mean to me.

Villain

You hate me but I'll still show you love.
When you roll your eyes from seeing me I'll still smile in your face
When you slander my name I will still respect yours.
When you walk past me in my time of need I will still offer you my help in yours.
When you curse my presence I'll still welcome yours.
When you push me to fight I will not fight back.

You will call me weak and gullible, but in my mind I know I'm strong.
It is easy to love someone who loves you back,
but it takes strength to love someone who despises you.
And to love someone doesn't mean to take their abuse.
It means to wish well to that person who wishes harm to you.
It means to show kindness to someone who spews hate at you.
It means to rise above negativity with positivity.

Just as lies run sprints while the truth runs marathons
So does hate run feet while love runs miles.
Your hate will lose its momentum.
My love will endure.
Doing your worst therein lies your climax
every act after decreasing.
My best is continuous and flows like a steady stream.

So if you want to make a villain of me, that's fine.
But you may tire of doing 100% of the work
because I will not stoop to your level.
May God bless you and keep you close.
I'll leave you to Him.

Who Am I?

Its a question I get asked often... who am I? When I go on interviews, its disguised as "tell me about yourself". I draw a blank. I dont know where to begin or what to disclose. How much do you really want to know about me? Just the good? Or do you want the bad and the ugly too? Are you just asking me to be asking, or do you really care to know? If I tell you, will you use it against me? If I confide in you, will you betray me?

Anyway, Im giving myself an experiment to describe myself. So here goes... who am I?

• Im a New York native, born and raised.
• Im an African American woman
• Im a college graduate, with a BA in Psychology
• Im a person who loves to write and be creative
• Im understanding
• Im open minded
• Im loyal
• Im compassionate
• I treasure memories and memorable people
• I open to adventure and meeting new people
• Im loving
• Im a good listener
• Im a fast learner
• I give advice when its requested
• Im someone who loves to travel

So thats all the good stuff. And if thats all you want to know, then Id advise you to stop reading here. As much as Id like to be all smiles and good vibrations, I have my low days. And on those days, this is who I am:

• I get depressed
• I overthink
• I worry
• I feel empty and lonely
• I feel rejected and left out
• I feel like Im being judged
• I feel inferior
• I feel lost
• I feel unwanted
• I cry

And it takes time for me to rebound. While Im doing that I listen to music, observe my surroundings, write, and just take time to myself to look in myself and reflect. When Im wrong I apologize and make amends. When Im right I dont argue back, I'll let you see for yourself eventually. Im not narcissistic or egotistical, I just want to be noticed and loved back by all those I love. Im not anti-social or aloof, I just like to spend time with myself every now and then.

So thats the long answer to who I am. I guess the short answer would be... Im a work in progress.