Who Am I?

Its a question I get asked often... who am I? When I go on interviews, its disguised as "tell me about yourself". I draw a blank. I dont know where to begin or what to disclose. How much do you really want to know about me? Just the good? Or do you want the bad and the ugly too? Are you just asking me to be asking, or do you really care to know? If I tell you, will you use it against me? If I confide in you, will you betray me?

Anyway, Im giving myself an experiment to describe myself. So here goes... who am I?

• Im a New York native, born and raised.
• Im an African American woman
• Im a college graduate, with a BA in Psychology
• Im a person who loves to write and be creative
• Im understanding
• Im open minded
• Im loyal
• Im compassionate
• I treasure memories and memorable people
• I open to adventure and meeting new people
• Im loving
• Im a good listener
• Im a fast learner
• I give advice when its requested
• Im someone who loves to travel

So thats all the good stuff. And if thats all you want to know, then Id advise you to stop reading here. As much as Id like to be all smiles and good vibrations, I have my low days. And on those days, this is who I am:

• I get depressed
• I overthink
• I worry
• I feel empty and lonely
• I feel rejected and left out
• I feel like Im being judged
• I feel inferior
• I feel lost
• I feel unwanted
• I cry

And it takes time for me to rebound. While Im doing that I listen to music, observe my surroundings, write, and just take time to myself to look in myself and reflect. When Im wrong I apologize and make amends. When Im right I dont argue back, I'll let you see for yourself eventually. Im not narcissistic or egotistical, I just want to be noticed and loved back by all those I love. Im not anti-social or aloof, I just like to spend time with myself every now and then.

So thats the long answer to who I am. I guess the short answer would be... Im a work in progress.

Behind the Curtain

It's false advertisement, the show you came to see.
A performance of pretty people smiling with glee.
Stay in your seat after the encore,
for the real show waits behind the curtain.

It is there where the masks come off and the smiles fade.
It is where the costumes are removed and the glamor with it.
Behind the curtain is where politeness morphs into the heartless truth,
where no lies are told and no feelings are spared.
Kid gloves are tossed aside with cat claws replacing them,
tearing away at a beautiful dream to reveal an ugly nightmare.
Every dirty secret is known by name,
the reality show starring Envy, Jealousy, Greed, Betrayal, Lust...
and that's just the starting cast.
The supporting cast is endless.

So the next time you are enticed to take in a show, 
just know you are only seeing what the pretty people want you to see.
If you want the real performance,
stay in your seat after the encore.
Because the real story lies behind the curtain.

Love vs. Infatuation

Love is a permanent euphoria, not a temporary high. With love there are no lows; just a consistent flow of good vibrations.

Infatuation is like fool's gold or a cubic zirconia compared to love being real gold or the actual diamond.

Infatuation is the whole "I'm not in love, so don't forget it. It's just a silly phase I'm going through" bit.

Love operates under "let something be free; if it comes back to you it's meant to be" philosophy.

Love comprehends what infatuation can't understand. It allows space where infatuation gives none.

Love is selfless where infatuation is selfish.

Love gives security where infatuation leaves insecurity. 

Infatuation is fun, but also quick and rushed.

Love is happiness... eternal and everlasting.

A Comedian's Prayer

Lord continue to annoint my talents
as I step before a camera for a role
or a microphone for a show.
Grant me the ability to emotionally embrace
those who come to see me with a heavy heart or
a worried mind, so that I may put a smile on their face.

Continue to keep my jokes in the spirit of love and laughter;
for they are never meant to offend.
Allow my performance to meet the expectations
of every patron and/or moviegoer who attends.

May my experiences in and out of character
keep me humble and help me grow as both
a person and a performer.
With every opportunity presented to me
and every fan I gain
May my craft only get better.

Tomorrow

If tomorrow never came for me, how would you feel? Would you even miss me? I know if tomorrow didn’t come for you I would be devastated, but that’s because I love you. Am I alone in this sentiment? You claim to love me, but I only see your love when Im doing well. When Im on hard times all I see in your eyes is judgment. When I look to you for help I instead get criticism. When I look to you for acceptance I get looked over. If I were in your shoes I would never make you feel the way you’ve made me feel: like a failure. If tomorrow never came for me you probably wouldn’t even cry. Or think of me after Im gone except to say “what a waste”.  Wasted time, wasted opportunities to get what you needed from me. How can you use me so easily? Maybe it’s a concept only the soulless can understand and since I have a soul I cannot.

I’ve wasted my time holding on to you. Even after you’ve proven to be poisonous to me and cause me nothing but sadness. Maybe it’s a fear of change. Maybe it’s a fear of being alone.  But I do know in this life one thing is certain: tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. My time is valuable and borrowed, and it will no longer be frittered away on you. I will part from you taking only memories of the happiest of times we’ve had together with me, and wish you many more tomorrows to come. It is not in me to wish you harm, but it is in me to always care. I can no longer live in fear of losing you when I should be worried about what you’ll do to me next.

Take care. Love always; and have a pleasant tomorrow.

From My Heart to Yours

You say you dont change lives, only moods. Well I disagree, because you changed my life.

It is very seldom that celebrities reach out to their fans unless they are promoting or trying to sell something. Don't get me wrong, I understand. People have to earn a living and celebs are no different. It's a give and take, I accept that. But then there was Michael Jackson. The biggest star in the world; a legend. An icon. He didnt have to love his fans. He didnt have to care at all. He could have been a total asshole to us. But yet, he was so loving, caring and thoughtful that it blew my mind. Such a gentle soul amidst the chaos of fame and Hollywood. A southern boy who remained true to his heart no matter how big he became or where fame took him. And when Michael told us he loved us, we felt it. We felt it because he meant it. From the bottom of his heart and from his heart to ours. He made a connection with us. When he passed away, I experienced a heartache I had never felt before, not even for people in my own family who passed. I began to feel like there was nothing to look forward to anymore. Im reluctant to admit that because those who've never been there won't understand and judge.

Recently I heard a pastor say that God will use anyone to deliver His message. I believe in my heart He used you to help me rediscover the fun and joy in life. I was pleasantly surprised to learn how warm and caring you are to your fans and how down to earth you are. Like Michael you also remain true to your roots and true to your heart. And like Michael when you tell us you love us, we believe you because you are being sincere. The truth is you dont have to care. You dont have to follow us. You dont have to meet us or take pictures with us, but you chose to. Love isn't always a given for alot of people. But you choose to make it a given. So I'm taking the time to say: Thank you. And I will always take a moment to say thank you. Your hard work and dedication are certainly appreciated. YOU are appreciated.

So this is why I disagree that you don't change lives, because God used you to change my life. From my heart to yours... Thank you.

Better With Time

It feels like forever, but its still brand new.

Still in the infant stages,

of you getting to know me

and me getting to know you.

The road traveled may not be easy,

but I will assure you:

we will get better with time.

As we grow together we will learn

what makes us smile and what makes us sad.

As we explore together we will look back

and reminisce about the good times we had.

We’ll make each other better, stronger.

Standing together in the darkness with the knowledge

it wont endure for much longer.

Life has so much in store for us,

think of it as a roadtrip…

“happiness or bust!”

Im already excited, and I hope you are too,

at all the possibilities for this relationship

that is new.

It may not always be smiles,

but it certainly wont be all tears.

Theres no reason to fear,

because I trust and believe

we will get better with time.

When Words Fail Me

When all words fail me,

let me show you I love you through my eyes.

When they shine at your presence,

or gaze at your beauty, oh my!

How you satisfy me.

As my eyes gloss with desire,

I’ll use them to say the words:

I love you.

When all words fail me,

let me show you I love you through my smile.

When it greets you at our hellos,

or tops off the perfect moment between us.

Nothing else is needed.

As it fills you up with happiness,

I’ll use my smile to say the words:

I love you.

When all words fail me,

let me show you I love you through my hugs.

My embrace symbolic of my heart opening to receive you,

and cloak you in my warmth.

Relax there, you are safe.

As you seek comfort in my touch,

my arms will say the words:

I love you.

So never worry or doubt how I feel.

Because when the words fail me,

through my actions I will show you

that I love you.

Wanting

I want to be loved, but I don't want to be judged.
I want to be seen, but I don't want to be studied.
I want to be friendly, but I don't want to be fake.
I want to be accepted without having to change.
I want to be happy without having to pretend.

Meetings in Manhattan

Manhattan holds a special place in my heart.
Because it holds you,
my fleeting friend,
and our meetings there.

In its concrete walls are the embedded memories
of our encounters.
Maybe a simple moment for you while a 
life-changing for me?
Only you know,
as I smile from the images of you 
flooding my mind
and invading my fantasies.

I call out to you as you're whisked away....
Off to another commitment.
Once before me, yet now gone.
The treasure chest of the river holds
my desire for more time.
One more hug and and one more chance to say
I love you, with all my heart.
I can never get enough of your affection.

But life demands you.
So you go as I stay.
And if I miss you, your essence is just
a subway ride away.
And I'll walk the streets with a little smile
and a full heart
reminiscing about our meetings in Manhattan.

Years

With a new year comes a new opportunity
to make changes,
to make dreams come true,
to make new friends and to free oneself
from the restraints of past stressors.
As a year goes by,
turning experiences into memories
we grow a little more,
understand a little better,
love a little stronger.

Years weave together
the little lessons we learn
over days, weeks and months.
They are blank slates
to be used for second chances,
reunions and new adventures.
Each new year is a gift
that alot don't get to receive.
So make the best of your new year,
granting you more time to operate
in the fullness of your eminence.