Untitled...

Every night, like clockwork, the tears come.

The fall and form drops on the floor

That come together to form a small puddle

Then a bigger one that rises and rises

And floods my room.

I cant swim so I go under.

I cant breathe so I flounder.

Theres no lifejacket

Nobody able or willing to save me.

I don’t know how to save myself

So I guess I’ll just drown.

Remember me as a girl with big dreams

Who thought she’d live her life amongst the clouds

And the stars…

Until circumstance pulled her down and chained her there

Everyday she was a prisoner in her room.

Another day that happiness escaped her grasp

Along with independence and freedom.

All she had to look forward to was the night

That was when, like clockwork, her tears would come.

A Sign...

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if my loved ones really know how much they mean to me. Do they really understand? And are they being sincere when they say they love me back? When it comes to feelings they can leave me feeling confused. How do I express them? How often should I express them? How do I do it appropriately? Am I overdoing it when I show affection? Do I just creep people out after a while? Some days I just don't know... and wish I had a sign.

If only there was a rule book on how to love, with rules on how and when to show love. That would work for me cause I'm great at following the rules. But left to my own devices, I cant tell if Im doing too much. I never want to make anyone uncomfortable. I would hope that someone would tell me but I guess nobody wants to hurt my feelings. That's when I need a sign.

Its the uncertainty that worries me. The chance that behind my back the people I treasure actually dont like me at all. That they think Im a weirdo. Could I feel that way about myself subliminally and am projecting my self criticisms on others? In that case I need a sign regarding that too. I just need to know, why does it feel so awkward when I try to be social? I feel like I stand out too much for all the wrong reasons. Maybe its all in my head. Maybe Im overthinking. All I want is for my loved ones to know they are truly appreciated by me.

Perhaps the sign is the love they give back to me.